This has been a topic I have wanted to write about for some time now. I recommend that everyone reads this blog at least 10 times! (including myself) This way we can all learn and grow together.
I’m going to skip the story telling this time and dive right into the content.
Before we can even scratch the surface of this topic, let’s take a look at how it works.
To preference, this can apply to any relationship in your life, whether intimate, family, professional, or friendship. For the purpose of this blog we will focus on the intimate driven ones.
Common Formula :
Two people meet, and they begin to learn about each other. As they focus on the things they like about that person, whether it’s physical, occupational, intellectual, whatever that may be, they begin to become more and more attracted to that person. As they become attracted, through continuous interaction, they fall in love and everything is awesome! Some time goes by, and the amazing things they love about the person become less apparent as the annoying things start to rise and take their place. Soon the focus shifts towards the things they can’t stand about the person and the feeling of warmth and love turns to resentment and annoyance. It then inevitably crashes into a wall, as the two decides it’s no longer going to work and it’s time to move on.
Unfortunately this is a cycle that many people go through, over and over and over again, through their entire lives!
This formula can be easily altered by communication, and alteration. However it is a challenge to communicate most of the times, and you shouldn’t have to alter who you are to make someone else happy, (meet them half way, yes when it applies, but no changing who you are)
So let’s get into what I really want to talk about, let’s break down relationships into a few segments and find out how this “secret formula” works.
1. Meeting the right person.
2. Establishing the right foundation.
3. Working through the tough times TOGETHER.
4. Keeping it fresh!
#1 Meeting the right person
Many relationships are doomed for failure before they even start, and allot of times we know it, but hell let’s just have some fun right?
I’m going to further break this down into sub segments.
1A. Relationship Social Value
This is the underlying thing we all think about, but no one ever explains.
Think of it like this:
At your job who would you rather have a conversation with the person who is always late, and always do a crappy job or the owner of the company?
At the bar, the attractive person over on the other side, making all his/her friends laugh or the miserable looking person drinking him/herself to oblivion.
I can bet 9 out of 10 people chose the owner and the attractive person.
Why? Every conversation or interaction has an underlying value, and you are either taking away or adding to it. A wealthy business man feels like he looses value when he talks to a drunk bum on the street (and actual value if he gives in and gives him some cash), however put a super hot model in front of him and even though she might be just as broke as the bum or even less intelligent he feels like he’s gaining value. Why? Because having a beautiful woman at his side, makes him look more intelligent, wealthier, funnier, more handsome, more seducing, or whatever else our perception tells us about him.
By now this is probably starting to make more sense. There are a few books out there that explains it a little better, I can’t for the life of me think of them at the moment but they are out there! lol
I say all this to give one point. Understanding where you are on the social value chain, will help you meet better matches. Look at yourself in the mirror, think about how smart you are, how well you dress, the size of your bank account(yes it matters), your conversational skills, and then give yourself a FAIR rating. Once you have done that, then pursue the people who are closer to you (a little bit higher) on that scale and you will most likely have better relationships. Aim too high and you will probably have your feelings hurt, too low and you will always feel like you can do better.
With all that said, don’t cut yourself short, you don’t have to be a 10 physically to be rated highly, you are combination of many things, let your strengths lead the way!
1.B Align yourself correctly.
This could be a huge topic itself, but I will summarize.
Most likely if you are doing the things you love to do (even if it’s by yourself) you will also meet people who are doing the things they love to do, o look! you like what I like! Love at first sight!
As much as you want to meet and be with that awesome person, if you haven’t created the space for them, they cant fit in…. So if you are a workaholic, if you walk down the sidewalk with your face glued to your smartphone, if you stay inside all day on your days off. Guess who you AREN”T going to meet? You guessed it! that awesome person you been wanting to.
Be who and where you wan’t to be and the universe will bring the person you want to have into your life. (I’m taking notes on this part) lol
On to #2 Establishing the right foundation.
This is where most people make a mistake, sometimes we floor the gas pedal and forget to slow down the interaction and “really” get to know each other. I’ve been guilty (you know it’s hard to think, when you are wearing that skirt! lol)
If a relationship was founded on, or built on sex, guess what happens after the sex high wears off? probably not a whole lot of anything.
I’ve often hear long time couples say, their wife/husband is their best friend. I got a best friend I joke with all the time, I tell her I’m going to steal her away from her boyfriend. (who knows ‘evil smirk’ I still might lol) It’s a wonderful thing when you can talk to your mate about anything. When you can share all the horrors and delights of your life with them. It makes every interaction you have that much better. Here is a tip, try to find a best friend that you are attracted to (just don’t do the whole friend zone thing) And you will probably find your life long co adventurer! If you are already in a relationship, slow it down and learn more about that person, what makes them happy, what makes them excited, and share yours with them.
3. Working through the tough times TOGETHER.
“Where ever attention goes…. it GROWS..”
Tough time’s can be created internally or influenced externally. The external ones require holding each others hands and pushing through! The external ones comes from all angles, money, society, weather, etc etc. It should be a me and you vs the universe if it comes down to it, mentality that you have with your mate.
Few quick point outs.
Stop listening to everyone else about YOUR relationship.
Stop airing out your dirty laundry with them, I know, I know you need to vent, cool, vent without the details…..It’s hard to go back to your friend and say, “O I was wrong about what I complained about last night, I realized I was just overreacting, and that he’s an awesome boyfriend” 10 hours after you told them how much of an ass he is. Along with the fact that most of your friends are only going to agree with you, and side with you, when you are auto piloting into an emotional response. There are a few people out there (like myself) that will tell you like it is. However we are rare 🙂
Now the ones that are created internally comes from focus. Back to the quote above, What ever you focus on or show appreciation for will become more apparent and grow. So if you are always telling your mate how angry you make them when they do this, or how disappointing you are when they don’t do that. You are highlighting it red and pinning it onto your fridge, well guess what you are going to see whenever you walk into the kitchen.. how long will you put up with that sight before you take it down?
Now lets flip that analogy, what if it’s pictures of the vacation they took you on, or that tour, or that dinner, or how they always make you smile by doing this, or how thoughtful they are when they don’t do that. How much more warmth do you feel? Every man or woman wan’ts to do more when they know the person on the other end is overjoyed and feel loved because of it.
Focus on the good things and the negative ones will seamlessly fall away.
People normally take the path of least resistance and if they have someone that makes them happy, who continually do things to make them smile, all the other suitors will fade into the background, and they will focus more on reciprocating.
4. Keeping it fresh!
I often tell my married friends to take some time away from the kids every now and then, and have some husband and wife time. Kids are awesome, yes. However being a mommy and daddy can sometimes cloud the image of being a husband and wife. It is important to continually build the marriage while building the family.
Same thing applies to any relationship, taking time away from the world to call that old buddy, hang out with that cousin, chat with that parent. Whatever that interaction may be, it helps to grow and reestablish that awesome friendship you had to begin with
Relationships are like a trees, you plant the seeds, water them, nurture them, help them to grow, and you will continually benefit from their fruit as they branch out and become a centerpiece of your lovely home. (I know… I need to water a few of my trees lol )
To Conclude, remember to align yourself with the right people, be in the right environment to meet those people, focus on the great things they bring to the table, then keep it fresh by spending time with them.
On this crazy planet we call home, it is important to focus on the people and relationships that makes us happy. It is also important to eliminate the ones that don’t. It is after all a two way street, and if all that person does is nag and complain despite your focus, maybe it’s time to let that tree lose a few leaves.
With all that said I hope this post can remind us on how to establish and develop those awesome relationships.
I hope everyone had a great time celebrating the holidays, and stay tuned for my next post, it will be focused on slowing down the years and getting the most out of your days.
Happy Holidays all, and Enjoy the new year celebration!
Till next time friends.
~Born for Greatness! Live to become Legendary!~